Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

Selfie

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,

my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that

me: not today santa

Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

GF: What’s my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up

Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.

the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

When I laugh on my period

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!