Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late

Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.