Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
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I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Me :
All Day At Night
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor