Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.

wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?

me: no. one only.

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

[Phone Call]

Me: My hair has never been this long before

Her: How does it look?

Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…

Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…

Me: …with a big bald spot on top.

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*