Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings

Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

Only a mother’s love …

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.