Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

emergency phone