ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
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today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Not all heroes wear capes.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
🔥🔥
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I did not eat the cake…