Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Me: I have to lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise everyday.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet, eat healthy and hit the gym.
Me: Is that cake?
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I don’t believe in mythical creatures like dragons, unicorns, Lock Ness Monster, drama free women.
Just joking, I believe in Nessie.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
[at ATM] Would I like to check my balance? Okay sure. *presses button* *robot leg shoots out and sweeps mine* ‘Your balance is: awful’
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Saw a baby crying and gave it my electric bill cuz why should we both be sad?
[ First Date ]
Her: OMG, I’ve been talking about myself all night. Tell me a little bit about yourself..