me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
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If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Just a phase…
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what