@Manali_Shetye5

Me: I have to lose weight.

Me: I’m gonna exercise everyday.

Me: I’m gonna go on a diet, eat healthy and hit the gym.

Me: Is that cake?

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@beisswrandon

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

@thatUPSdude

I don’t believe in mythical creatures like dragons, unicorns, Lock Ness Monster, drama free women.

Just joking, I believe in Nessie.

@DannyZuker

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

@Dr_awfulpants

[at ATM] Would I like to check my balance? Okay sure. *presses button* *robot leg shoots out and sweeps mine* ‘Your balance is: awful’

@ValeeGrrl

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

@Carbosly

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

@JohnFugelsang

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

@delusions_of

Saw a baby crying and gave it my electric bill cuz why should we both be sad?

@T_Bonezzz_

[ First Date ]

Her: OMG, I’ve been talking about myself all night. Tell me a little bit about yourself..

Me: HODOR…