Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
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If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
That’s commitment
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
no exceptions
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.