Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.

How to wake up a Beagle

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.

ME: A John Dough

HER: Get out!

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.