Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only 99 problems?

Pfft. Amateur.

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin:

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.

The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.

That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

💀💀

jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

Husband: *dies laughing*

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

seems like a niche market

Feels like the fourth month in January

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”