Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

Cashier: Smile!

Me: Worry about your own face.

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?

Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

Not long enough ahhh haha ha

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week