ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
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In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
🙋♀️
Worst bar ever.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk