ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
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“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.