Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

I’m a self-made hundredaire

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*