Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’

Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.