*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
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Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*