Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…

If you want my opinion ask my wife

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.