Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

I love wikipedia

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.