Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

WWE is French for “yes”

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”

Me: “Sleep.”

7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”

Exactly.

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to