Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the council will decide your fate

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

Wins the Internet today. Night, all…

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.