Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

Godspeed, John Glenn

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

❤️

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

Simultaneously brilliant and awful.

based

How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?

Meat Cute

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.