Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

We went together like toothpaste and orange juice

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.

-I almost said Denver 🤦‍♀️

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?

My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time

push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.