Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

I wish I were this cool 😂

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.