Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?

Me: It’s a fake.

Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?

Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.

Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”

He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.

“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.

Blindsided me.

This kid is going places

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

Ovenable?

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

reverse psychology? that’ll never work

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000