Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

Good morning

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

Happy thanksgiving!

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too