Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”

6:*writing thank you card* But, um..

Me: Write it!

Name another movie that mislead you?

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household

It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”

Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…

GET DOWN!

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.