Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
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[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
this is literally a CIA plant
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.