Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”

Tammy is short for Tamuel

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]

[.0003 seconds later]

This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists