Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
You Might Also Like
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
In banana years, I am bread.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”