Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
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My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
bartender: pick your poison
wicked witch of the west: water
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Im going to bed. I want this place cleaned up by morning
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
“I wouldn’t.”
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.