Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

had to make it

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

There is no try. There is only give up.

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!