Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

noooooo don’t hurt yourself

let me do it

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny