me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
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TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.