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Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.