Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much does it cost to keep chickens?

About a buckahhhh week

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.

Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.

“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”

* me, in public on more than one occasion.

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

And now…a ‘joke’.

“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”

“What seems to be the problem, madam?”

“It’s ROAR in the middle”

“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”

*coughs*

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.