ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
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I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
my fav colour is also hitler
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
favorite tropes as memes
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
had to share :’)
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I tried screaming into the void today, but the line was too long.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Actually cracking up @ this