Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *strips naked and does running man*

Wife – “….”

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

Worth remembering.

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]

[.0003 seconds later]

This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?