Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

“This just in..”

My foot to my mouth.

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*

ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.

I’ll stop now.

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol