Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.

When ur friends with white people

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?

Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

choose your gary

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”

iron man: it’s not gonna work

me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel

thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me