Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

The 4 stages of a family vacation

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

[Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.