ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
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What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Printer ink is expensive
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.