Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*

Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine

The most precious boy

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.

Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded

Me: “I wanna fit into my old clothes again”
Google: “Eat differently”
Me: “No, not like that”
Google: “Exercise more”
Me: “Not like that”
Google: “Leave me alone then”

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.