Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?

Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water

J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much