ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
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Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Human are so complicated
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack