@HenpeckedHal
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
@TheHyyyype
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
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@HenpeckedHal
@PleaseBeGneiss
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
@PyrBliss
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
@toomanytoes
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
@OmarImranTweets
13 year old girls be like “I need a man who.. ”
Lol the only Man in your life should be Spongebob. Yallah go finish your homework.
@Reverend_Scott
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
@TheThomason
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
@Smooheed
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
@ThisOneSayz
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
@Staggfilms
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*