Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

Divorce… The most common home improvement project.

Never ask a girl “How are you single?”

BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

who wants to go expliring

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.