Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

What kind of a cult is this?

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

This is true.

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

Kentucky names the shit out of places

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”