Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
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In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
🙀🙀🙀😹
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
a public service announcement
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
This is I, Robot all over again
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.