Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
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There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”