Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
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If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
What.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Basketball games are very squeaky.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you