Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
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The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Thoughts
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?