Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

who’s gonna tell her?

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies

Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol