Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
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Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
the Monday after daylight savings
