Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
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6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.