Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”

He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.

My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal

Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again

The Fashion Industry: No.

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.

Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “

Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

the zen of frog

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA