me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
You Might Also Like
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!