Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”

The Lion In Me:

me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

🛁

┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
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wash our hands
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