Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”