Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

Mistakes were made

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.

When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right

subtitles are so good nowadays

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

*bark*

“What’s that Lassie?”

*bark bark*

“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”

*bark*

“Ooh, dinnertime.”

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

How do you milk an almond?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

My zodiac sign is pistachio

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”