Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

I don’t call them exes, I call them whys

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

The absolute effort that went into this omg