Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like

How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

*the fog lifts*

*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*

*the fog does cardio*

*the fog is fit af*

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.

We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.