Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ham: accepted, non-offensive

hamn: curse, extremely forbidden

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

my lower back watching me try to live my life

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?