me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
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“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.