Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

8: but grandma let me

Me: well my mom is cooler than yours

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!