Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…

Me: Doesn’t everyone?

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

Jus’ sayin. 😐

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

2 students brought hard boiled eggs in their lunches today so it’s time to separate the kids into the haves and have nots

*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

Twitter is an abusement park.

Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.

When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”

Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over