Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something

Things that keep me up at night #6874

The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…

hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car

I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.

My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey