Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

😂

On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂

Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up