ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
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Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
My life coach traded me.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.