Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
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Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

finally found a reasonable question