Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?

ME: No, I was happy with my first try.

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

ㅤ

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

why would tinder want me to say this

Me: I am forever in your debt

Bank manager: That is accurate

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

Ad placement of the day

#ooh

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

this is what they would have looked like, though

It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago