ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
