ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
You Might Also Like
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!