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For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Dance like you’re not the father
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
So true for me
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses