Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us

Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.

Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*