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The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot