Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

family: we’re having ground turkey this year

me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

New Year’s hottest club is…Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies (masks & bras not required). VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok

Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain